


"I am concerned Calum" So am I bc my commentary's here to haunt y'all

by SupernaturalMystery306



Series: EXPERT COMMENTS [7]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: "ashton still so pissed", "but he loves them", "drug use", "sassy Calum is a good Calum", "smoking one weed lol", M/M, Multi, and hashtags, featuring way too many song lyrics, inserting comments, shitty comments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 18:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5016406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalMystery306/pseuds/SupernaturalMystery306
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commentary on <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4107541">I am concerned Calum</a> by <a href="http://ao3.org/users/lillylikeablade">lillylikeablade</a>. Inspired by the same.</p><p>
  <i>The time Michael got lost (sorta) as they all have sex (again)</i>
</p><p>DISCLAIMER: I do not own this work. I sorta do. But, this is basically another author's work, and I have added my comments in between it. Kind of like those "Reading the this-that-book" fics.<br/>The original author approves of me doing this, so don't go running to them complaining.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I am concerned Calum" So am I bc my commentary's here to haunt y'all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kailogan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kailogan/gifts).



> I’m such a shitty person because I never posted this. :’( I swear I was going to on 17th of October but then I forgot. I’m horrible.  
> Just a heads up, my writing skills have worsened over time and this sucks.

First thing, summary:  **The time Michael got lost (sorta) as they all have sex (again)**

Man I just love you. These boys are sooooooo ♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂ (I tried to drag out the word but obviously I couldn't drag out symbols :/)

**\--**

**Michael: help**

I NEED SOMEBODY HELP NOT JUST ANYBODY

**Ashton: what do you want dickhead**

WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO RUDE DON’T YOU KNOW MIKEY’S A UNICORN OOOOH

**Michael: I'm lost :(**

SO LET’S STAY LOST IN LOVE AAH JAKE MILLER EH GOTTA SOMETHINGSOMETHING LOST IN LOVE I’M MIA NO GPS- SORRY I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF ADDING LYRICS.

**Ashton: where are you? :/**

And I’m so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot- yeah, you get the point.

Also, I love it when these boys use emoticons.

**Michael: well if I knew that I wouldn't be lost would I?**

That’s not true, you can be Lost In Reality while knowing you’re living in reality. (I’m almost glad that I’m posting this after SGFG came out…)

**Ashton: alright hold on**

I’ll be there soon so hold on hold on I’ll be your strength

**Calum: oh Michael are you okay**

I’m not okay 3000 miles away. Actually, I’m not okay in the Garden of 5SOSDEN. I’m sorry but I’m an ass who gives away way too many spoilers.

**Michael: I'm scared cally**

ALL MY DREAMS CAME TRUE (wink wink) HE CALLED HIM _CALLY_. But don’t be scared Mike, Calpal and Smash are coming to save you just DON’T STOOOOOP texting them-em-em.

**Calum: aw poor Michael *coos***

PLEASE. I READ A PREFERENCE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY WHICH MADE ME ~~FOB~~ SOB FOR TEN MINUTES AND THIS IS BRINGING BACK ALL THE MEMORIES WORDS THAT YOU SAID TO ME HEY HEY LILLY WON’T YOU SAVE ME

**Michael: are you being mean**

Cue the Taysway (why the fuck do people call her that anyway? HAHAHAHA OMG TAYSWAY-ANYWAY THAT RHYMED. I’M BACK IN MY GAME NOW i.e. once again shitty rhymes are here) reference bruhhhh

**Calum: of course not dude**

Like duh who do you think you are running ‘round gettin’ suspicious of kind ol’ Calumoes. I have an obsession with calling Calum Calumo. I’m sorry but eskIMO!CALUM. OR RUSSIAN!CALUM UGH JUST KILL ME.

**Michael: okay good**

I really like Michael’s thing with making sure he ain’t being mocked before getting to the point, which is, he’s fucking scared out of his ~~pants~~ wits.

**Michael: srsly help me its dark**

MY SONGS KNOW WHAT YOU DID IN THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKKKKKKK SO LIGHT EM UP UP UP LIGHT EM UP UP UP LIGHT EM UP UP UP I AM HIGHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH WOAH OH OH OH SPOILERSSSSSS

**Ashton: what does stuff around you look like**

tbh you can’t really see anything in the dark...

**Michael: green and swirly, foresty**

uh, refer to the above comment. like, wasn’t it dark just a moment ago? or had you actually just closed your eyes and texted like a Multitasker Extraordinaire ™

**Calum: that is not a word**

Ayyy Calum, my comments, my words >:[ Oh wait you said ‘that’s not a word’ not ‘that’s not a job’?? oh then I like you. But it wouldn’t not exist if Michael says it. #theunicornknowseverything

**Michael: shhhg I can hear noises**

well you have perfectly (not really) functional ears so i’d be disappointed if you couldn’t hear

**Ashton: where's luke? Didn't you leave together**

*awkward silence from mikey*

**Ashton: Michael**

**Calum: mikey..**

see? (all the puns here)

**Ashton: I am concerned Calum**

HERE COMES THE TITLE

**Calum: same**

SO even Calum will be saying “I am concerned Calum”?? Nice…

**Ashton: text luke and ask him where he is**

He’s smart man. Wait, does that mean they think Luke’s more responsible? Oi.

**Calum: alright daddy**

Holy fuck. I am so not obsessed with this.

**Ashton: GODAMMIT THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE IN THIS SITUATION HOOD**

~~Okay daddy.~~

**Calum: so what I'm hearing is that it is appropriate in other situations**

I get why you tagged this as “sassy calum is a good calum” because this boy is really awesome. but wait, if he’s sassy, isn’t he bad then? which means, shouldn’t ashton get into daddy mode? wow I’m really enjoying this ain’t I?

**Ashton: fuck you**

Ooooohhhhhhh yes. Can I watch? I promise to take notes diligently.

**Calum: you do, a lot**

True.

**Ashton: focus Calum**

**Calum: oh right**

Yeah like oh half your band/orgy members is/are missing and all you can think about is _sex_

**Ashton: *sighs* how do I cope**

Because you’re just as bad? Or maybe you don’t cope at all and then punish them all, _daddy_

**♪******

I like stars

**Calum: hey bro**

HEY EVERYBRODY #horridpunnumber666

**Luke: what's up dude**

**Luke: and can it be your dick bc im horny**

I swear this boy is me because I add up “what’s up” to that a lot even though I’ve never said it to anyone because I don’t want any MORE weird looks. Weird Lukes. Ehehehe xD

**Calum: ;)**

Gettin’ distracted there, Hood. Ignore that afternoon wood.

**Calum: no wait I need to ask you if you have seen Michael**

So he remembered after all even in the face of Luke’s siren like tendencies. Wow, so Michael’s a unicorn-dragon, Luke’s a siren, Calum’s a puppy, and Ashton’s a daddy. Eh, yes. The siren, unicorn, puppy and daddy. How cooool. Let’s make a comic strip.

**Luke: why**

Winchester Rule: Shoot first, ask questions later. Hemmings Rule: Ask questions first, don’t shoot at all. (or you’ll be short of one dick to fuck you)

**Calum: he says he's lost**

But is he? What if he just got tired of the band and wants to have his own life in a quaint rural place as Matthew Solandrazer? TO BE CONTINUED. (Eh, I like the name I made up.)

**Luke: hahahahaha omfg**

This sounds like something I say a lot, tbh. Did Luke finally perfect the art of creepiness at my level? #anothalightemup

**Calum: don't laugh lukey**

Michael and Luke are the sluts (I swear I’m saying this _fondly_ ) and Calum and Ashton are are totally topping them. while Calum bottoms for Ash. Nice band dynamics. tbh mike would take anything up his ass. NO WAIT SHIT THAT WAS LUKE. CRAP CRAP CRAP HOW COULD I FORGET JFC MY POOR VIRGIN EARS. MICHAEL IS SOPHISTICATED. IT’S _LUKE_ WHO’S THE SEXUALLY HUNGRY ONE. Oh wait, but Calum was the one who wanted to have triple penetration done. Ugh, this band is confusing.

**Luke: no dude seriously that is hilarious**

HILLY AREAS. that makes no sense, I just wanted to say it.

**Calum: he's scared you prick**

Hahahahaha omfg (see what I did) Calum’s getting defensive~

**Calum: I don't like it when the kitten is scared :(**

Holy shit I’m crying now he called him kitten all the sexual fantasies paid off

...Wait. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DON’T FANTASISE ABOUT THEM LIKE THAT. I - UGH, I DON’T, OKAY.

**Luke: he's not lost**

SHIT, SO HE ACTUALLY WENT AWAY TO BE MATTHEW SOLA-WHATSHISNAME?!

**Luke: we're in the garden**

Shit, so did Luke also leave? no wait, a garden. Gardens are good. Gardens are harmless. Gardens. I miss gardens. :( Also, fuck, I’m writing something about that #randomspoilers

**Calum: what**

Hahahaha

**Luke: we came out to get high and he's laying at the bottom of the garden high as fuck**

ALL I WANNA DO IS GET HIGH BY THE GARDEN. AND THEN SHOOT THE HELICOPTER. #murderousdelrey. Also, if he’s at the bottom then how is he high? :’)

**Calum: oh**

Yeah oh. tbh I remember reading this in June (the day you published it) and laughing my ass off

**Calum: wait dude why you getting high without me**

cough scorned lover coUGH

**Luke: you were busy**

Busy my ass. He was probably jerking himself or Ashton off

**Calum: fuck you**

”You do, a lot” in the words of a certain kiwi. That reminds me, I adore kiwis. The fruit. And I’m a creep who realized the skin of the fruit feels like scruff/stubble and my perverted sister scarred me for life by rubbing it against her cheek.

**Luke: please do**

Omg you horny siren don’t make Calum sink the ship.

**Calum: we all need to stop using that as an insult coz it does not work**

Uh, no, it totally works in setting up the atmosphere. Also, admit it, you guys can’t really bear to hurt each other’s feelings. If one of them says and/or does something to another, the remaining two swoop down on the first one. Proof: Michael has a pain kink, and What are your opinions…. somewhat… although that includes atl.

**Luke: lol**

I REPEAT: THIS BOY IS ME.

********

STARS!!!

**Calum: Michaels not lost**

HE RAN AWAY. idek why I’m so adamantly supporting that.

**Calum: just high**

**Calum: he and Luke are smoking in the garden**

**Ashton: godammit**

Exactly.

**Calum: you wanna go punish them and I can watch**

Oh my lord. It’s like you give out teasers in every single story.

**Ashton: good plan bro**

**Calum: it's why you love me babe**

Are you sure? Perhaps it’s that ass.

**Ashton: do not call me that**

You don’t want to be called daddy in non-appropriate situations, you don’t want to be called babe, is there anything you want to be called? Or I’ll gladly call you Jigglypuff

**Calum: I'm pouting right now**

YES Calum defeat Jiggy with your pouting powers. (“Jiggy” oh my gosh)

**Ashton: sorry not sorry**

It’s okay not okay

**Calum: whatever lets go fuck**

He’s nice man. He lets go of small things for the bigger things. They do say Aquarians are like that. :P

**Ashton: sweet**

Nice.

\--

End notes:  **Don't do drugs kids. I mean, unless you want to. I don't own you. Live your life.**

_You are literally so inspirational with your non judgemental ways._

**Author's Note:**

> I KNOW THIS SUCKS. YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THAT THOUGH. Seriously, my writing skills have gone down the drain. THESE SYSTEMS IN THE GUTTER.


End file.
